Interesting class last night. Since we had Labor Day off, it usually feels like it takes a minute to ramp up into the repetitions. I was not scheduled to present last night, but some observations that I made were:
- I’m continuing to realize how important it is to craft circumstances that have urgency, high stakes, strong triggers, and HOT hot whos. In some of the exercises last night the NEED to complete either the IA or the DAP didn’t seem to be strong, and the hot who was not defined in a way to evoke a strong emotional reaction. I thought Christine did a good job on both counts in her exercise with Joseph where she had the IA. When he walked in the door, she had a very clear POV of who he was, and when he didn’t behave in that way, she did a great job of picking up on his behavior and going with it. Their exercise had the electricity that we all hope for. In fact, Jolene ended up stopping the exercise because there was the potential that it was going to become physical.
- I also realize how much I still struggle with identifying the elements of the exercise that went well, and the elements that need improvement. I don’t know if last night it was lingering brain fog, but I had an especially difficult time figuring out what was working and what was not.
- One other thing that I noticed is that some of the comments took the form of “what I wish I had seen happen in the exercise,” or “this is how I wish you would have responded.” While I understand the impulse (I know that I have fallen into the trap of speculating on how something could be “better”), I think it’s important to focus the comments on what we DID see, and how application of the principles impacted what we saw.
- My last observation is regarding a comment that Joseph made at the end of one of Lucas and Olivia’s exercises. Joseph referred back to a comment that (I think) Jolene had made in one of our early classes, where she noted that his go-to response during our repetitions was anger. She mentioned that he should explore other ways to react because anger is such an easy emotion to respond with (I’m sure that I’m simplifying what was actually said). In last night’s exercise, Lucas’ circumstances created extreme sadness to the point where he was in tears. Clearly filled up with the circumstances. After the class and Jolene had commented, Joseph asked if he could add an observation. He referenced this earlier critique that Jolene had given him and said that he always felt that it was because he was black, I guess leaning into the “angry black man” stereotype. He then said, in reference to Lucas’ exercise, that he felt that Lucas leans into the “white tears” stereotype. I think we were all taken aback at the comment. I know that I never thought that the “anger” critique was racially motivated. I thought it was an accurate assessment that Joseph needed to explore his full emotional instrument and also challenge himself to notice other behaviors in his partner. Clearly, though, this has bothered Joseph for a while. I thought that Lucas handled the situation well (he said that he has only used circumstances like these twice, but that he would consider Joseph’s comment).
Next week I work with Paige. I’m looking forward to seeing what we come up with.